Reinventing Oneself

Oftentimes I wonder whether I’m on the right track or not. To be or not to be. I used to think I wanted to be a computer programmer but I never seem to able to stick with it or have any material success with finding a job in the field. I have an urge to create but never to any interesting ends. Ideally I want to work full time but never have I had any real urges to see that through. In a sense I am a flawed person. I feel constantly at odds with society and what it means to be successful. I cope with unhealthy methods that keep me in the same spot I’m in. I want to focus but then I constantly overstimulate myself with the wrong things that sap my focus away. The only sort of spiritual bliss and stillness I’m ever able to get is when I unplug the wifi router and pretend it doesn’t exist in my house, or I go out and exercise for a while.

One particularly rotten example I’ve seen recently of “success” came from this article in the WSJ about this 22 year old zoomer touting his success by telling the story of how ruthlessly he overworked himself to be a millionaire with his online businesses. His air of superiority and his pride were on full display and something to be celebrated. Understandably, people want to succeed and not have to worry about poverty or mediocrity in all arenas of life. America is all about exceptionalism and being at the forefront of all fields of technology and industry. I’m supposed to want to hustle like the WSJ zoomer wunderkind and sacrifice all superfluous relationships and normal functions (like cooking or cleaning your home) in order to make it happen. The reality is that I think that’s stupid. I want to work full-time and earn enough money to be financially independent, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of destroying yourself and depriving yourself of relationships and experiences.

Not everyone has the luxury to say this of course, and there are undoubtedly people working right now to keep their families from falling off the edge into poverty at the expense of valuable bonding time. This is the disturbing reality of our hyper capitalism and our exceptionalism ethic. Not everyone has a choice in what they can do with their time. It’s absurdly privileged of me to complain that I have no direction or that I constantly want to reinvent myself, because I’m not being pushed in one direction or another like so many other individuals are as a result of necessity. That said, at the very least I want to be focused and undistracted. This can easily be achieved by cutting out the bloat that constantly steers me off the right track. I don’t have to constantly enmesh myself with YouTube or whatever news site I happen to be perusing. My phone is not a refuge of noise to deafen my usual thoughts or fears. I can be better and as a result find what I’m supposed to do in my life. So many are lost as a result of technological upheaval or any multitude of other reasons, so at the very least we can fight back and keep our attention spans so we can focus on the right things that matter, rather than chasing quick dopamine hits or being influenced by the wrong people.

Understandably, people want wealth and see it as the means with which you can change your life. I don’t doubt that having money can make you happy. Not having to worry about making ends meet or where your next meal is coming from is something a lot of people take for granted. I make sure at the very least to not consume a whole lot and to save as much energy as possible in my own home for instance. I’ve adopted minimalism in that I don’t buy things that waste my time or clutter up my space. I only surround my home with things that spark joy for the most part. That being said I could definitely be better about it or have clearer principles but I haven’t gotten around to it. I’ve at least wakened myself up to the possibility that I can change or that my previous habits haven’t been working as well for me.